Pro U.S golfer Walter Hagen (1892 – 1969) – behind only Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus in the number of golf majors he won – was the person who first coined the expression ‘No one ever remembers who came second.’

SCENIC WRITER’S SHACK DOES remember who came second and today we celebrate our short story competition runner-up Anne Wilkin’s clever and brassy fridge tale –

Antarctica 5000 arrives at my front door on a hot summer’s day. 

My door scanner detects its presence and announces its arrival ceremoniously: “Angela, your new fridge has arrived.” I open my door, and there it is. The latest, the snazziest, the most intelligent fridge on the market. It comes with all the bells and whistles and then some. I’m already star struck. 

“Kan I come in?” it asks, with a slight German accent. 

“Of course.” 

Mechanical arms and feet burst through the packaging and it simply walks in by itself and finds my kitchen. It peels off its own packaging, making sure to recycle all the paper and cardboard into the correct kitchen bin.

“Zat is vhere you vant me? Yes?” it says, pointing to the sad empty space where my old fridge, Gary 100, used to live.  I eagerly nod, and Antarctica 5000 moves into place, plugging itself in, making itself at home.

 It’s just like what the adverts say.   

“Yes please.” 

Over the space of an hour my fridge tells me it will order groceries for me as needed, automatically assess the quality, nutritional value and calories of each item, and create meal plans. It will remove expired food, cook meals, and liaise with the dishwasher, and robo-vac to ensure the kitchen is kept spotless.

On my birthday it will prepare a cake for me with candles and play ‘Happy Birthday’ to the tune of German accordion music, and on Valentine’s Day it will order flowers and prepare my favorite meal. 

“Is there anything you can’t do?” I ask, slightly breathless. 

“No. I was just joking.”

 

“Something funny. Ha ha. Hee hee?”

The fridge seems flummoxed. Humor obviously isn’t its thing. Shame, Old Gary had been pretty good at that. 

My door scanner buzzes.

“Huh? What food?” 

It leaves to answer the door and unpacks the items into itself. “But…how did you know what I wanted?”

“My pantry… talked to you?”

I looked at KAREN-10 with new eyes. Had it been judging me all along? Bitch.

The next day Gary 100 was back in his spot. 

“Yeah. ‘Fraid to say I think you might be irreplaceable.”

“Always.”

KAREN-10 glared disapprovingly from her corner.

Next week, prepared to be moved by our equal 3rd place-getter Ann Walter‘s big ticket, spellful tale –