What is a journal? I’ll tell you! A journal is like a book except it’s blank inside, and you are, in fact, supposed to judge it by its cover.

If you open a journal and it’s not blank inside, you might be committing an act known as “snooping.”

One reason to journal is to impress people. Many admirable people have bragged, “I journal every day,” or “I’ve been journaling since I was six,” or “I can do a cartwheel.”

If you’re new to journaling, you might have heard advice such as, “Start with freewriting.” Freewriting is the stuff you write for free, in the hopes you’ll convince people to upgrade to a paid subscription, usually for the price of one latte per month.

The best type of journal is a Moleskine. The worst type of journal has three hundred and sixty-five prompts about gratitude and zero room for ranting.

A dream journal is something that, when brought up in conversation, causes the other person to suddenly remember that they are late for an important meeting.

A reading journal helps you track the books you read. It’s a highly effective way to turn reading into a chore.

There’s also this whole other thing called a “scientific journal,” but these journals are for people looking to analyze every aspect of some new thing they tried. Sometimes they spend years on one project just to eventually write, “Well, that didn’t pan out.”

Journaling and journalism are different. One ends in “-ing” and the other ends in “-ism.”

Have you come across a journal with a lock? The problem is that people will assume it’s a diary. A diary is something children and teen-agers use to record their most embarrassing thoughts in order to someday share them on a podcast.

By contrast, journals are for adults. They are either (a) never meant to be shared with anyone, or (b) sources of potential quotes for future memoirs.

Finding the right pen is also important. It should go with your handwriting. On a scale of doctor handwriting to student-council bubble letters, where do you land?

Journaling is a great way to document big and small moments in your life. Years later, you can then point to evidence you recorded to win arguments. If someone relies on memory as proof, they automatically forfeit.

The best time to journal is in the morning. This is because you’ll always have something to write about. Mostly this thing is: “I’m tired, oh, I’m so tired, I need to get more sleep.”

Even if you only write “This is so stressful” every single day, that still counts as journaling. Many people don’t realize this. If you’re in a hurry, just “strssd” is enough.

It’s O.K. if one day you forget to write a journal entry. Just double up the next day, like with the birth-control pill.

Thrill-seekers might bring their secret-filled journals out into the world, to places like coffee shops. This is risky! They might spill their lattes on their journals! Also, someone could steal their journals.

If you are in a coffee shop and someone says, “Will you watch my journal while I go to the bathroom?,” there is a reason for this. The reason is that caffeine is a diuretic.

To become a better writer, you’re supposed to read more books. To become a better journal writer, the best thing to do is to find a list of helpful facts about journaling. After reading it, you’ll likely feel so thankful that you are tempted to buy a gratitude journal to express your feelings. Don’t do this. Consider buying a journal for the generous fact writer instead—preferably a Moleskine. ♦