Barnard Exclamation Mark

A series of exclamation marks used in an effort to appear excessively friendly and non-threatening, commonly found in women’s work e-mails.

Example: I hope this e-mail finds you well! Hate to bother you! I’m following up on my previous e-mail! Would love to set up a time to discuss the trajectory of my growth here at this company!!!

Notre Dame Semicolon

A semicolon used to indicate a strong pause between two clauses, handy when cherry-picking political or religious beliefs.

Example: I was raised Catholic; now I’m more of an atheist.

U.N.C. Square Brackets

Used when transcriptions of statements made by inebriated March Madness fans need more clarity.

Example: I’ve got two hundred on tonight’s game, if the Tar Heels lose my wife’s going to kesh [kill] me.

The Community College Next to Your High School Ellipses

These ellipses are used when someone begins to answer a question that they don’t want to answer, before abruptly trailing off.

Example: I moved back home but it’s only temporary and they’re more like roommates than parents and I’m saving a bunch of money, but yeahhhh . . .

Sarah Lawrence Quotation Marks

Quotation marks used to describe something seemingly made up, often combined with the air-quotes gesture.

Example: Did you hear our daughter say that “capitalism is part of the Matrix”? She should try telling that to the tuition office.

Harvard Apostrophe

Apostrophe used when explaining how nepotism or social connections led to a speaker’s current position.

Example: One of my dad’s frat brothers’ uncles is a C-level at Goldman Sachs so I didn’t even have to interview.

Iowa Writers’ Workshop Em Dash

Em dash used to clarify the full name of a celebrity or industry person previously referred to by a nickname.

Example: Did you happen to see that Sue—Susan Orlean—retweeted me last week?

Gap Year Spent Backpacking in Europe Question Mark

A question mark following a gap-filling phrase, often used when asked what one’s “next steps” will be.

Example: I’m just figuring it out right now and taking some time to discover myself, you know?

M.I.T. Parentheses

Parentheses surrounding layman’s terms following an often unnecessarily complicated phrase.

Example: “Did I happen to hear that you are no longer procreating in a monogamous manner (single)?”

C.U. Boulder Asterisk

Annotation following responsible-sounding words, used to describe their irresponsible counterparts.

Example: I spent my weekend researching cannabis* and its impact on the justice system.**

*High as a kite.

**Watching “Law & Order” reruns.

U.C.S.B. Asterisk

Like the C.U. Boulder asterisk, but every counterpart described is a drinking activity.

Example: I spent my weekend researching cannabis* and its impact on the justice system.**

*Drinking beer out of a bong.

**Getting a D.U.I.

Autodidact 🙂

An emoticon conveying the smugness felt after giving an unexpected explanation of the origins of one’s wealth and success.

Example: I didn’t go to college 🙂 ♦