Thanks so much for this! It’s a great starting point, and there’s a lot of fun stuff here to work with. I just have a few suggestions that, I think, will make it a really strong note in the end.

I understand the instinct to start off with some sort of threatening statement, like, “Shut up and listen to me.” But I think that, in writing, “shut up” and “listen” aren’t really commands your reader can follow. I would begin differently—I know it’s clichéd, but I might open with some reassurance that I’m safe (if I still am, ha ha!), or something that gets right to the point. You don’t need an introductory threat to set a mood. I think you can assume that the mood is there and get right to the crucial information you’re trying to telegraph.

There’s an “O” in “bludgeon.” And this is more of a content note, but that’s not where the cerebellum is—you’ll want to go down a little bit (at least according to your drawing of me).

You still haven’t got to the ransom part of the note. Again, it’s much stronger to start out by stating your goals. Don’t bury the lede (or me, ha ha!). Maybe after reassuring the reader (probably a friend or family member of mine—all very diligent editors, by the way) that I’m safe, you could get right to the money. That way, we can keep the pace active and there’s nothing a reader might skim over.

I like the “Machete Krueger” joke. Definitely keep that.

The instructions could be clearer. You say that you want a hundred and fifty thousand dollars in hundreds and twenties, but you don’t specify how many of each until later. I think you should move “put the thirteen hundred hundreds in a large duffelbag, and a thousand twenties in the paper bags we’ve hidden beneath your floorboards” up to the top of the paragraph, right before you say that you’ll torture me by playing the audiobook of the notoriously boring Proust novel “Swann’s Way.”

The penultimate paragraph feels a little overdone. You are listing insults, with some good specifics, but, as a whole, the paragraph becomes a bit repetitive. For example, you say that the reader is “a dim-witted nutjob who can prove his worth by avoiding the police at all costs and following the instructions carefully,” and then you go on to refer to the reader as “a dense moron” who “shouldn’t even think about calling the authorities.” I feel like you can just cut the second sentence.

“Family” should not be capitalized in “Manson family.”

Typically, your concluding paragraph will clearly reiterate what your goals are. As I see it, your goal is to get this sum of money, in two different denominations, and if that goal is met you will release me back to my loved ones. You can keep it short and sweet. If anything, your claim that the lyrics of “Hotel California” inspired this kidnapping is a bit of a stretch and doesn’t really add anything to the note as a whole.

Again, this is great, and there’s a lot I enjoyed about it. I think you have a very clear voice, which is both bone-chilling and occasionally witty and relatable, like a “Cathy” cartoon.

You offer a lot of great imagery, particularly when it comes to different forms of torture (the chair of knives that will “reek of raccoon guts,” the horse that you’d tie me to while you agitate it, “tickling”).

I think we can get this to a strong enough place where you’ll get the money and release me in no time. So please, send another draft my way!